Only Very Special People are allowed to chaperone us.

Many of you have asked the same question: "What does Heaven look like?"  (I won't acknowledge those of you who've asked "How'd YOU get up there??"  Hmmph.)  Well, this video was taken a couple of days ago; you might get a glimpse of Nestle in a lounge chair debating whether or not to get her paws wet.  (I'm off-camera on the diving board.)

They even have blow dryers!

Don't be sad--this is happy news for both of us!

You wanna hear something ridiculous?  A little while ago I was drinking the coldest and cleanest and most delicious and refreshing water you can imagine, and I notice someone's head in my dish.  I thought, What's up with that?  There's enough for everyone; we don't have to crowd ourselves.  I looked up to say "Excuse me," and it was Nestle.  Yup, Nestle's big dumb nose was I my dish, as though she had come up here looking for me.  Maaan, no matter where I go, Nestle's gotta tag along beside me.  I can't catch a break!  I gotta say, though, she looks GREAT.  She's whole again--no stiffness in her legs, no allergies, no coughing--and she just challenged me to a wrestling match.  I always used to let her win, but not today.  I'm gonna show her around the place in a little while, but right now I'm teach her not to sneak up on Big Red.

P.S.: Thelma loves this pic of Nestle on the futon, even though she (Nestle) was too dumb to sit still.  Nestle never did learn how to pose for photos.

But we are not over

"There are no happy endings / Endings are the saddest part

 So just give me a happy middle / And a very happy start."

-- Shel Silverstein, "Every Thing on It"

Wow, I have wings!

It's not like I'm done, y'know: altho I'm up here chasing tennis balls & swimming & making snow angels (all before a lunch--today was roast chicken), I still have to watch over Thelma & Louise and dopey Nestle. I'll prob'ly weigh in on their shenanigans on occasion, if/when I can squeeze it in. I hope I've made some of you happy; after all, that's my job. Wags, Bailey #ILoveYou

Oh, so that's how it's gonna be, huh?

Oh-oh-oh-oh now cats think they're all big and bad because of that stupid video of the cat protecting that little boy on the tricycle.  (Notice the editing: obviously that kid had pulled the dog's ears & teased him w/an ice cream cone beforehand.  But they didn't show THAT part, did they?  Hmmph.)  A little while ago Thelma & I were walking along minding our own business & the stupid cat from across the street came running out from under the car in its driveway and brought Brooklyn right in my face!  Oh yes it did.  It ran up to me & swiped its nasty, sharp claws at me and then hissed!  I know!  I was gonna bring Brooklyn right back in ITS face, but Thelma yelled at the cat & then I barked at it really loud & it trembled.  These cats need to be put in their place & I know just where that is….

Howcome *I* never get anything nice??

I GOT YELLED AT!!!  I KNOW!  It's not right.  No one saw me shred Nestle's brand-new bed.  All anyone saw was some of the stuffing pulled out in the middle of it and Thelma & Louise immediately accused ME of doing it.  Maybe Nestle was making a nice little divot for herself right in the middle--hmm, did anyone consider that?  Nope.  Instead, I was accused & got yelled at & sent outside for a time-out.  It's not fair it's not fair it's not fair!  No one bought ME a cushion-y, plush, tufted bed!  I have to sleep on the cold, hard wood floor and it's NOT FAIR.  Somebody come pet me.

She calls it a "Maki combo," but I know better.

Have any of you woken up one morning to find your stomach was twisted like a pretzel?  Of course not.  Well, Louise expects me to eat out of this torture device so that doesn't happen to me and I don't get "bloat" or somesuch foolishness.  It takes me forever to eat my way out of this rat's maze.  If Nestle REALLY wanted her dinner, she wouldn't waste time nibbling around it  and I wouldn't HAVE to slow down my eating with this stupid thing.  But nooo, I have to endure agony just so Princess Nestle can daintily pick at her kibble.  It's not fair.  I'd like to see Louise eat out of this dish just once; within 5 minutes she'd throw it in the trash and owe me a big fat apology.  But of course that's not gonna happen.  (True, she sometimes eats bait with chopsticks, but that's not the same at all.  For whatever reason, she *chooses* to do that.)

No rest for the weary.

Oh boy, it's gonna be a lonnng night.  Thelma is writing, but she's also swigging diet & regular Pepsis and cranking the 130+ BPM playlist.  You know what this means: I'll be up 'til 2 a.m., at least.    Better settle in...

A little nosh, that's all I ask for.

Hmmph. We gave our friends Missy & Ann, who are visiting from Tennessee, a New York Care Package and I didn't get one lousy bagel. Or even a cinnamon roogle lock. Here in the big city, we believe "Sharing is Caring," you guys! #Zabars

Mah nem-eh-seece

'Allo.  Too-deh, I am stalk-ink the ee-loo-seev whahht squirrel.  (He is whahht because he has no peeg-ment, you see.)  The first saw heem was in Parc Prospect in Brook-leen and now he has followed me here to the conn-tree.  Eet ees mah weesh to cap-choor heem and…  Well, ah don't know.  But eet ees tres eem-portant that I do.  Ah suppose ah will practice "catch et release," as ees mah custom.  Rest assured, he weel soon be mahhn.  Ren or shine.

I can't repeat everything she said.

Boy, Thelma is pi-i-i-i-i-issed. Not only do we have to replace Nestle's Jets leash immediately, she's angrily throwing other stuff in a box & tossing it in the attic: all four Jets 20-oz plastic cups; her Jets pajama pants; her Jets winter hat; her Jets baseball caps; her Jets sweatshirt; her Darrelle Revis T-shirt; her Dustin Keller jersey; her personalized Jets key chain, and anything & everything else she can't recall at the moment. And the Jets Christmas ornaments are *definitely* not going on the tree this year.

"The party don't start / 'Til I walk in...."

Ermagerrrd, it's so past dinnertime & Thelma's sitting here playing music on-line & this puppy's about to faint.  And she's rewound "Tik Tok" like five times…& now I think she's voguing?  Could someone pleeeease update her iTunes or something?  And throw some Merrick in my bowl while you're up kthanxbai.

Crooklyn, yo.

Me in my snow boots on 2nd Street in Brooklyn. #tbt

Why bother with the stone at all?

#NewOlympicSport #CatCurling

Doggie, Demented.

Alright, I know some of you think I'm (sometimes) hard on Nestle, but if you lived w/her, she'd drive *you* nuts, too.  I mean, who forgets what foods they like?  I'm serious!  For several weeks now, Nestle has looked at her breakfast & dinner w/disdainful expressions, like it's a bowl of cotton balls or pencil shavings.  And it's the kibble plus veggies we always get.  Same w/snacks--who forgets they like apples?  One day she's gobbling up baby carrots and the next she's turning up her nose & walking away.  It's not all bad--more baby carrots for me!--but what kind of dog turns down baby carrots?  Baby carrots are delicious!  They're the dog food even Thelma & Louise enjoy!  Now, don't waste your time worrying Nestle might be anorexic because if she's offered a cube of Muenster chees or some T-Bonz, she sits down so fast, her little brown butt is a blur.  I think she has Doggie Dementia (or my preferred term, the Canine Crazy).  Maybe she's protesting & holding out for Thanksgiving turkey w/cranberry sauce, who knows.  She's not easygoing, like me.  I'm thankful & appreciative of everything.

Stupid Blogspot.

Well, I can't upload a picture of Nestle in the snow.  See, even BlogSpot thinks she's too stupid.

Snow is delicious!

I don't know why some of you want to see pictures of Nestle. She doesn't know how to be a dog. Today we got a lot of snow; it came up to her armpits & it's light & fluffy & it glints in the light & looks like crystals. It's perfect. So Nestle went out in the backyard & Thelma threw a handful of snow at her to catch and for, like, the first time ever, she did! Oh yeah, she kept jumping up & catching snow in her mouth & having a great time. I ran out a few minutes later & Thelma turned her back to grab some more snow & guess what? Nestle had thrown up. Who throws up snow?? What the heck was THAT?! She catches bees in the summer & barfs snow in the winter. It's embarrassing.

I like it au naturel.

 

As you all know, my 2 favorite seasons are snow angels and swimming, and I don't understand why everyone is complaining about the snow.  We got 6-8 beautiful fluffy delicious inches of the stuff & everyone here is throwing it into the street!  I appreciate these wonderful surprises & I suggest you do the same.  Go outside & enjoy a nice cold treat!

Farewell to a sweetheart

Thank you, Mai Ling Nelson-Quillan, for giving your people so much laughter at your silly antics (& goofy little face) and so much happiness in your company for 11 years.  Way to represent the canine species, little girl!  Get home safe.

Get out there before it's all gone!

You guys, it's snowing!!  It wasn't there when I went out last night, but now we have some & it's fluffy & cold & light & great!  How does this happen?  Already I've been out 3 times to make sure it's real.  I volunteered to help the neighbor kid clear our walkway (it was the least I could do after Nestle barked at him for 10 uninterrupted minutes before finally being sent upstairs to snooze), but Thelma wouldn't let me.  The neighbor kid, Aristophanes, is 19 now & he still loves coming around here to shovel.  We had only 2-3" of snow--that's not a lot; I could've pushed it into a big pile w/my nose--but he rang the bell & offered his services anyway.  Once he told Thelma he's enrolled in college, he was IN, boy.  Like he didn't know *that* would happen.  The girls are suckers for an enterprising, law-abiding young person, esp if she or he is in school and not peddling religious tracts from door to door--that's a deal-breaker.  (But that doesn't happen often.  Once the zealots get a load of our menacing growls & barks (that's mine & Nestle's, not Thelma & Louise's), they tend to hit the bricks.  In this house we have dogs, not dogma.)  So, uh…what was I saying?  Oh, that's right: SNOW!!!!!!

I'm Lucky 13!!!

I don't mean to brag, but check out my birthday dessert!  How many of you are lucky enough to get big, chicken liver cookies on *your* birthdays?

 

I am loved.

God *wants* me to lick my scabs!

Would you look at this?  Just LOOK at this!!  I tried to heal my leg wound(s) the way the Lord intended, and I got The Cone of Shame thrown on my head.  I was doing what my wise and noble ancestors have done for millennia, but apparently that's not good enough for Some People.  Have you ever seen a wolf in the wild wearing a stupid e-collar?  Verily, you have not.  HMMPH.

 

 

No splint, no stitches, no problem!

Finally: something went right on my trip to the vet's.  The very nice woman and her super-nice friends removed my splint, stitches and staples & I didn't cry or yell or squirm or anything because I'm so brave.  No more limping or looking like a peg-legged pirate!  Right now I'm wearing this mesh sock-like thing w/some cottony gauze, but don't worry--I can remove it by dinnertime.

Oh, this old thing?

Here's the quilted coat I've been forced to wear outside on frigid days.   It covers up my stitches & my bare skin, but I feel ridiculous.   Coats are for little dogs--I don't care if this one came in a size Large!  At least it has pockets for treats.   That's a nice designer touch.

I wonder if they can make me stronger...faster...

Guys, they managed to drag me into the vet's office against my wishes and I've got to contend w/this big purple cast for one more week.  I told the doc I'm getting around a lot better & she said my post-surgical report was excellent.  Next week I'm gonna ask if she can make my leg bionic so I can climb trees to catch these stupid squirrels that've been terrorizing the neighborhood.  I'm sick of them hiding in the high branches & dropping acorns on my head.  Don't you hate that??

Don't even try it.

Oh, I know Thelma & Louise THINK they're taking me to the vet this afternoon.  But they're NOT.  'Cause I'm not going.  Nuh uh, fuhgeddaboudit.  This puppy & all of his parts are staying HOME.  I'll gnaw this cast off myself.

I'm sure she can get a merchandise credit; it's only gently used.

After all I've been through, Herself (Louise) decided I wasn't moving at a quick enough clip for her liking, so she ordered a ridiculous contraption to "help" me walk.  Well, it looks like a trapeze harness and I refuse to fly in the air w/a bum leg & stitches in my side.  It has clips & loops & straps & handles & no way am I walking in that thing.  Frankly, I'm surprised it's not studded & made of leather.  And try being patient w/a puppy, okay?  SHEESH.

Bamboozled once more.

Once again, I've been hornswoggled.  Louise made it look like we were going to spend the day zipping around in the car w/the sun roof open without Nestle (woo hoo!), but then we pulled into the fancy vet's office a few minutes away and I was like, aww maaaan!  I shoulda known something was up when Thelma put my St. Francis medal around my neck before I left the house.  Everyone here is very nice, but this stinks.  I want out.  Louise, bring the car around!

Why can't *I* go trick-or-treating?

Great, just great.  This morning I got dragged to the vet, and while Nestle pranced around getting high-fives from all the staff, I was shuttled off to a room where they poked my leg with a 16-inch (maybe 20-inch) needle.  And now I'm stuck lying in the kitchen while Thelma flies around the house on a broomstick & gives free candy to dwarves begging at the door.  What's the big idea?  Where's MY treat?

YAY!

Why did Louise bring home a birthday cake?   It’s nowhere NEAR my birthday!   But hey, snack time!

They'd better not shut down Petco...

Is anyone feeding the animals at the National Zoo??  #GovernmentShutdown  #AmericanTaliban  (Thelma made me add that.)

 

Me me me me meeeee!

Guess what day it is?  Guess.  What.  Day.  It.  Is.  It’s BAILEY DAY!  I adopted Thelma & Louise 11 years ago today & I moved on up to that deeeeeluxe apartment in the sky-hi-hiiii.  On Bailey Day I get to do everything I want and what I want is no dry food just wet food, I want to go swimming in that stream our minder, Mary Ann, takes us to, I wanna go running through that forest-y area near the grade school (but Nestle can’t come ‘cause she’s good for about 50 feet, then she slows to a crawl & no one has time for that), I want a bowl full of treats for lunch (Yes, I want lunch!), I wanna make snow angels & I wanna sleep on the bed.  ‘Cause it’s BAILEY DAY!!

I'm in a "time out."

I don’t know what I did wrong, but Thelma yelled at me & said some bad words & she & Louise darted around w/cleaning supplies.  Then I had to sit alone on the patio for a few minutes before I was allowed back inside.  Thelma yelled at me the same way she yells at the Jets on TV—is it possible I did something *that* bad?  (Louise says I have a face you can’t stay mad at—and she’s right.  I’m sure this’ll blow over soon.  Meanwhile, I’m in the cathouse.)

All I need is a pair of Doggles & I'm good to go.

Way to go, Diana Nyad!   Never give up on your dreams!   However I'm sure she could've achieved her goal much sooner if she'd had a pace dog.   We Retrievers are made for swimming--we even have webbed toes!   I know I could make that swim AND keep the sharks away.   But that's okay.   Next time, Diana.

"On Fifth Try, Diana Nyad Completes Cuba-Florida Swim"

http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2013/09/02/218207861/diana-nyad-in-homestretch-of-cuba-florida-swim

Another doggie on the South Lawn of the White House

Hi Sunny!  I understand you were chosen to live in the White House b/c the girls have allergy issues.  I'm sure Barack *really* wanted a Golden retriever, but I guess not everyone can hang w/us.  (Or some folks are just too lazy to take us to the groomer on the regular.  Either one.)  In any event, congratulations!

http://www.whitehouse.gov/meet-sunny

So she's picky *and* greedy.

Wow, this is so dumb, only Nestle could’ve come up with it: Nestle likes honeydew melon, but not cantaloupe.  What?  I know!  Nestle has demonstrated time & again that she doesn’t like cantaloupe.  (For some fool reason, Thelma keeps offering her small pieces whenever she gives some to me; I guess she doesn’t want that mutt to feel left out or something.  Pul-leez.)  But today, Herself deemed a small piece of honeydew suitable for consumption.  And then she had another piece.  And another--and another.  Which means *I* got hardly any.  Whenever Nestle likes something I like, I get only half as much.  It's simple math, people.

They all must think I'm fat.

Oh man, this is SO unfair.  Due to a snafu at the Dept. of How-Much-Food-Is-Nestle-Supposed-To-Get-No-Seriously-Are-You-Sure-Uh-oh, Nestle is getting her daily meal allotment increased!  Which means I’ll get even LESS than I do now.  Dr. Quack’s webbed feet are all over this, I’m sure.  I can’t stand that guy.

#WalmartSucks

From the Ottawa Citizen (July 11, 2013):

“I’m just worried that now two of us have sort of been let go, employees won’t say anything the next time and something’s going to happen,” Cheney said.

Dhaliwal and Cheney have dogs of their own.

“When it’s that hot, I wouldn’t even think of putting him in the car,” Cheney said of her Chihuahua.

Bruce Roney, executive director of the Ottawa Humane Society, said that’s the right attitude to take. The temperature inside a vehicle can rise 10 degrees in just 10 to 15 minutes, he said, even with the windows cracked open....

http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/Mart+worker+says+fired+confronting+customer+over+locked/8642836/story.html

Photo caption: Carla Cheney with her dog Chico.  Cheney was fired from her job as a pharmacy technician at Kemptville Walmart after she spoke to a customer about the danger of leaving his dog in his truck.

#WalmartSucks

I guess it's not only dogs that need training...

#LoveisLove   Why’d it take you humans so long to get that?

"Supreme Court Strikes Down Federal Provision on Same-Sex Marriage Benefits"
http://www.cnn.com/2013/06/26/politics/scotus-same-sex-doma/index.html

It's not the New Jersey Speedway.

Let’s get one thing straight: I do not get “car sick.” I get “speeding-along-the-turnpike-followed-by-stopping-and-starting-while-driving-down-unpaved-roads-in-Nowheresville-New-Jersey” sick.

What don't y'all get??

Truer words....

It certainly didn't look like this

Man, I always get blamed for taking whatever is missing around here.  Thelma is perturbed b/c she can’t find an astible bulb she received a few days ago.  She asked Louise if she’d seen a bulb packed w/some peat moss in a plastic bag & Louise immed replied “I’ll bet Bailey ate it.”  Can you believe it?  And then Thelma gave me a fishy look!  Look, I don’t even know what an astilbe bulb looks like and besides no one saw me and you can’t prove anything.

"Thunder only happens when it's raining.." Well, duh.

Nestle is so dumb, you guys!  This afternoon at the first rumble of thunder, she went running over to Thelma in the other room--as if she could make it stop.  I keep telling Nestle thunder is nothing but a loud noise; it won’t hurt you or cause any damage.  No, what you really need to be worried about is lightning.  In an instant lightning can zap you & turn you into a crispy critter, like a forgotten mozzarella stick that’s been left in the fryer basket for 2 days.  If you get hit by lightning, all that’ll be left is a small pile of smoking fur & toenails.  But that didn’t calm her down.  I tried my best.

I wonder if it's a fruit or a vegetable...

Stupid Nestle!  If it wasn’t for her bark-bark-barking while Thelma was outside playing in the dirt, no one ever would have known I’d jumped up on the counter & eaten that entire ripe avocado.  (Well, I couldn’t figure out how to eat the pit.  But the rind was pretty good and I didn't leave a single crumb on the floor.)  Anybody want a used, tattletale of a little sister?

All Nestle did was try to herd us all & bark.

OMG, what a vacation!  Deb at Dog Abby Day Care picked us up last Friday & we drove & drove & drove waaaay up north.  I think the Inn is somewhere in Nova Scotia.  For 7 days we ran around outside & played w/lots of other dogs—hundreds, I'm sure.  I swam in a river & caught a few salmon.  (There are no pics b/c I do catch-and-release.)  Then a few of us bigger dogs snuck off into the woods at night & chased a grizzly bear up a tree!  I also raced an owl & rode a caribou!  I don’t know what Thelma & Louise were up to, but I had the BEST TIME!!  Did you all miss me?

Vamanos!

YAAYYY, Nestle & I are off to the country! Deb from Dog Abby Daycare is here w/the van, so I gotta go now. I get to chase rabbits and bears and squirrels and snakes and wolves and everything! Smell ya later!!

Je n'aime pas cela. (Translation: This stinks.)

Oh no, my fears have been realized & I’m being left behind.  Sadly, there will be no Big Easy for Big Red.  Thelma has already (over)packed her suitcase & Louise is choosing which of her Syracuse, Cal and Notre Dame T-shirts to take along.  I thought Nestle & I were going to enjoy some first-rate lodgings at the W Hotel in the French Quarter because they are CIVILIZED and welcome dogs, but noooo!  Frankly, I don’t know what will become of us.  Will I be stuck babysitting the fuzzy brown white & tan mutt (that’s Nestle) for who knows how long?  Will we be allowed to invite friends over while the girls are gone?  What will we do, what WILL we do??

 

Here's the logo for where we're NOT going.  Hmmph.

Go jab a needle into your own flank, Doc!

Oh no, the girls are taking us to get our shots today.  I hope Dr. Quack knows which end of the needle to jab into our flesh.  I don’t expect him to have learned even any fundamental social pleasantries since we last saw him, but at least don’t go poking and prodding cluelessly. It’s Louise who’s the human pin cushion for crazy, so-called “doctors,” not me.

This little excursion is a waste of time, anyway.  Between all the vitamin supplements Thelma slips in our food, our massive water consumption, and our diet of grain-free kibble and gourmet “Mediterranean Banquet” canned food—not to mention the professional baths & fur-yankings we endure--I’m probably healthier than ol’ Dr. Lecter—I mean Quack   (And I’ll bet my ears are cleaner, too.)

Snow again?? Woo hoo!

Whenever it snows, Thelma worries that the flower bulbs she planted won’t come up, whereas Louise worries about shoveling the snow—and that Thelma will be more concerned about her bulbs than helping her shovel. But it always gets done, so I don’t see what the issue is.

And you know what would be great? If there was some way to know when it was going to snow, and maybe even how much we’re gonna get. Perhaps there could be a group of people whose job it is to make predictions and tell us what to expect. It’s always a surprise. Just putting that out there.

Pins and needles, needles and pins...

Louise is being paid by some strange man to put pins & needles in her back & drink tea made from weeds & dirt. I hope the money is good b/c there’s no way I’d let anyone stab me with needles, no matter how tiny & skinny they are. (I mean the needles, not the person—altho that doesn’t matter either) I’d like to spend the money she makes from this foolishness at Petco, where I can get some… Waitaminnit, what? She’s paying HIM to stick pins & needles in her body?? And drink mud juice? Sheesh, no wonder we can’t get an in-ground pool—look what she’s spending the family finances on!

It’s good AND good for you.

Thelma heard some gardening expert say you should occasionally water your houseplants w/the water in which you’ve boiled vegetables or eggs.  This will supposedly give your plants added nutrients.  So she thought she was clever this evening to put the water she used twice to boil *two* batches of yams in a watering can.  Except, hello?, she knows how much Nestle & I love our yams (she cooked them for us, besides), so why would she put that delicious, fragrant water in a pot full or dirt?  Those kaffir lilies haven’t bloomed in over a year, so fuhgeddaboutit!  I kept licking the watering can while she filled it so she’d get the hint & pour some in my bowl, too, which I promptly lapped up.  Then I asked for seconds.  So what I might have to go outside several times tonight?  I feel stronger already.

Uh, I can hear you, Dr. Quack!

Why do Thelma & Louise continue to drag me to Dr. Quack’s office if all he’s gonna do is insult me?  Today he said I’m going senile.  And my back legs are funny.  And my breath stinks.  And my teeth are cracked.  And my toenails are weird.  And a few more libelous things behind my back, I’m sure.  Really, if I’m such a mess, I don’t know what kept him from shooting me on the spot.  He must get paid by the slur.  As a wise man (and Thelma) once said, “It is more important to look good than to feel good.”  Fortunately, I look *and* feel gorgeous.

Happy Valen Time's Day!

I hope you all have someone's belly to rub today!

Love,
your friend Bailey

I love this song

Later onnnnn we’ll perspire

As we dreeeeam by the fire

And face so afraid

The bills left unpaid

Walking & jumping & running & chasing birds & barking & making snow angels & rolling around & burying myself in a Winter Wonderlaaaaaand!!!

Where do my snow angels go?

It’s snowing, you guys—yaaaaayyyyy!!!!  I’ve gone out in the backyard a bunch of times already, but each time I see my snow angels have disappeared.  I mean, they’re just gone.  So I keep having to make more.  I’ve been out about 6 times in the past 6 hours & they keep disappearing.  I need to stay on top of this.  I hope no one plans on going to sleep anytime soon 'cause I'm not through.

They Shaved My Butt!

Folks, I was hoodwinked & bamboozled.  This morning Thelma & Louise were all, “Yay, hop in the car!” and Nestle & I were like “Yippee!  Where we goin’?”  Prospect Park, maybe?  Or Uncle Chip’s house?  Oh no.  They took us to the groomer—and left us there!  We were trapped for dayyyys and when we were finally released, Nestle was wearing a dumb bandana w/paw prints on it & I had no butt fur.  It’s so embarrassing!  Here we are, facing a 7-day forecast w/high temps not going above 38º & I have to face it w/a clean-shaven butt.  Plus I smell all weird.  I hope I find something deceased in the backyard to roll around in so I can get my natural musky scent back.

The birds aren't even up yet.

It’s great to go out in the pre-dawn hours.  The city is quiet, the wild critters are sleeping & it’s so very peaceful.  But, since the Humans won’t leave the door to the backyard open permanently, I require an escort with thumbs.  I’d rather not have to ask, but they set these dumb rules, so I don’t know why they moan & complain about getting up out of bed before it's dark out to do it.  Maybe they should come outside with me.  It’s the best time of day.  Except breakfast.  And dinner.  And walkies.  And walkies & playtime with Mary Ann.  And belly rubs.  And when I catch a squirrel (someday).  Okay, guess I’ll come in now.  Good talk, guys.

I'll admit things were a bit tense for a while...

You guys, I witnessed a miracle today: Thelma drove a car!! No, seriously! Louise had driven Grandma Rosa’s car to work so it wouldn’t fail inspection (long story) & the hippies across the street had finally moved their car from in front of our house after, like, five days (don’t ask), Louise wanted to move our car forward 6-8 feet in front of the house before anyone else took the spot. So Thelma volunteered to drive the car! It took her about 15 minutes. (To be fair, Louise drives a stick & Thelma had never driven one.) Perhaps it would’ve taken less time had Louise not been coaching Thelma over the phone & getting a bit shouty & agitated when Thelma couldn’t unlock the stupid emergency brake & if she hadn’t given Thelma incorrect instructions & making her nervous. Plus, why were there 3 pedals on the floor & what the heck is a clutch?!? Anyway, Thelma drove and parked the car perfectly & she didn’t run into the school bus coming down the block. I was so excited I barked for a whole minute & nearly knocked her down when she walked through the door. I’m sure Louise is going to come home tonight w/a BIG present for her!

 

Mood status: Grumpy.

Well, you can cancel the pool party & forget about the housewarming gift registry.  After 2 days of hammering, drilling, banging & tossing & throwing, those guys picked up their junk & left us with absolutely nothing.  No pool in the backyard, no canine condo, not even a Slip ‘n Slide on the front walkway.  Nothing!  (And I would’ve loved seeing the stupid mailman spaz out on the water slide.)

What in carnation is going on??

What a weird day.  First, a bunch of men showed up this morning & threw a blue plastic cloth over the entire house.  The living room had a groovy sky blue glow, but I couldn’t see out the windows, which is a problem for a guard dog.  Then they started hammering & making the house shake.  I thought we were were taking off & heading to Mars.  But when they finally left, I went out in the backyard & there were tarps & wooden planks all over the place—what a mess!  Maybe they’re building us an in-ground pool?  Or it could be Nestle & I are getting our own apartment.  But who’ll watch the girls?  So many questions… 

Maybe one day she'll give me the whole slice!

Thelma’s cruisin’ for a bitin’.  Today she was on the phone w/a friend of hers who was obviously talking about a cat.  Thelma “ooh"-ed and “ahh"-ed over this cat’s alleged (& uncharacteristic) cuddliness and I was like “Oh no you DON’T.  Don’t you bring that thing in here!”  If Thelma hadn’t been rubbing my belly at that moment, I would have walked out.  Then, as if that wasn’t enough, I overheard her saying people who have dogs are those “who complain they have too much money & their houses are too clean!”  Har-har-HARRRR-dee-har-har.  Just for that I’m going to put my paws on the sofa while no one’s looking…unless she gives me the crust of her pizza slice.  Then we’re cool.  I’m quick to forgive.  (I can’t help it—it’s my nature.)

I will NOT wear a toupee!

Hey everyone!  I know it’s been a minute since I hollered at you, but the truth is, I’ve been in hiding.  See, the other day, Thelma found a tick on top of my head.  Yeah, in January.  In New York!  I guess it hasn’t been cold enough for them to hibernate or crawl back under the logs in the forest or wherever those nasty little bloodsuckers go in the winter.  Anyway, there was a tick hidden on the very top of my head & Thelma found it when she was giving me noogies.  So she grabbed her Tweezerman tweezers (‘cause she meant business) & yanked that thing off of my scalp.  But it had clamped itself on to some of my fur, so she snatched that up, too!  (I was very brave; I didn’t cry or yell or anything.)  Yeah she got the tick, but now I’ve got a bald spot.  It may look tiny to you, but I’m BALD in that spot!  It’s terrible.  I can’t find a skully in my size, so I have to give myself a comb-over.  And that’s not a good look on anyone—man or dog.  Thelma thinks I’m overreacting, but I’ve been told I’m beautiful my entire life (it’s not just my opinion) & I don’t wanna start being ugly now.  So if you pet me, please don’t look too closely at the top of my head, okay?  At least not for the next few weeks.  But don’t worry, I expect to be back to 100% gorgeous very soon.

It's the Baby New Year!

Happy New Year, everyone!  I don't have to make any resolutions, so I'm feeling great.  Everyone be safe & happy this year!

Are they ashamed of me? That CAN'T be.

It seems every time Thelma & Louise visit friends (w/o us, might I add), they come home smelling like Another Dog.  Or three.  If dogs are allowed where they’re going, Nestle & I should go, too.  Why not?  I’m charming!  I’m friendly!  And I’m not picky about what I eat.  It’s not fair. 

Peace on Earth

Merry Christmas, everyone!

(And, in the spirit of the season, if Snoopy & the Red Baron can put their grievances aside & behave in fellowship on Christmas Day, I can be nice to cats today.)

I'm loving my birthday so far!

Wow, you guys, this is already working out to be a great birthday!  First, I woke Thelma up when I was ready to eat.  Then I repeatedly asked for extra yams w/my breakfast—and I got them!  I also reached up on the counter to grab a crisp Macoun apple Thelma had just washed for Louise & it was delicious  Then I let her know she was not, in fact, finished picking up poop in the backyard, after which I stretched out on the wet lawn.  Finally, I ran in circles outside & rushed into the house, tracking mud behind me as I ran thru the kitchen & to the front window to bark at…something.  I love my birthday so far!

Yummy!

You guys, I have discovered the most amazing things: they’re called “yams” & they are sooo good!   Thelma boiled & mashed a bunch of them (scrubbed clean, skins on) and mixed them w/our dinner last night and, boy, lemme tell you, they were awesome!   She says they have high amounts of better carrot teen for our eyes, but who cares when they’re so delicious?   She was gonna give us broccoli w/dinner tonight and Nestle & I were like, Nuh uh!   Really, you should try some.

I'm so glad I can reach the counter...

 

OMG, just give the dog some Thanksgiving turkey already!  Sheesh...

Sharing stinks IV

Great, just great.  Thelma & I had a tradition—until yesterday, anyway—that when she made her fruit smoothie in the morning, we’d share the banana.  I love bananas & I’ll eat them if they’re mushy or brown or not-yet-ripe.  Bananas are *that* good.  In the mornings I get some, the rest goes into the blender & Thelma puts the peel in the composter.  She always offered a piece of banana to Nestle who would sniff it & then turn her head.  That’s cool—more for me, right?  Well…yesterday Thelma decided—only God knows why—she decided to cut the banana into tiny pieces for Nestle & guess what?  Turns out she actually LIKES bananas.  But she’s so weird & finicky & cat-like, you have to cut them up into teeny tiny pieces & put them in her bowl for her to eat it.  Me?  All you have to do is toss it in the air & I’ll catch it.  But not Princess Nestle, oh noooo.  So now I have to share my a.m. banana TWO ways, not just one.  They don’t make bananas big enough for the three of us!  Like Louise always says, “I can’t have nuthin’.”  /end rant

Hurricane Sandy

A big storm is coming tomorrow and it seems the only thing we’ve seen on TV this weekend is weather reports & sports.  Thelma can’t remember which of the 2 dozen carry-ons, messenger bags & backpacks in this house is the emergency “Go Bag,” but Nestle & I have plenty of kibble & cans of food, as well as lots of water & treats.  (But it seems T&L have a bunch of flashlights, new batteries Cheez-Its and booze, so I think we’re all set.)

My cousin Chris is in town from LA!

I just want everyone to know my cousin Chris is so cool!  He likes big dogs like me.  I’m telling him all the spots to hit while he’s in New York, like the Long Meadow in Prospect Park in Brooklyn (off-leash hours are from 5-9 a.m.), the dog run in Van Cortlandt Park in the Bronx (it has an obstacle course), Orchard Beach (where a pup can get his swim on), also in the Bronx, and, of course, Petco.  They let everyone--even let lizards & snakes-- into Petco; they don’t discriminate.

Very droll, Thelma. Very droll.

Oh, come on!  This is the Halloween costume Thelma wants to make for me--a ghost?  A white pillowcase w/holes cut out of it? I'm insulted. (Image fromn "G the Gent"'s tumblr acct.)

The Great Pumpkin has 4 paws & a tail.

I was lying beside Thelma while she was surfing the ‘net after midnight when she found this “Great Pumpkin Hat” for dogs.   Don’t you just love it?  No, not for me...for Nestle.  With her bulging, staring eyes & dopey expression, she’ll be pretty spooky this Halloween.  (Well, spookier than usual.)

It’s better, but it ain’t good, know what I mean?

Many of you have expressed care & concern for Louise ever since she had her shoulder surgically repaired last week, and I’m happy to report she’s doing very well!  I didn’t say anything about it earlier because, well, I didn’t know how it related to ME.  I asked myself, “Where is there room for me in this story?”  And I found it.  Louise is petting me only half as much as I require.  Yeah, her arm’s been busted up for months now, but after the surgery it was completely dead.  I mean immobile.  Flabby-like.  And even though she’s off the painkillers, she’s still not giving me what I want—she’s not even opening the cans of wet food at meal times!  So I’m filing a complaint w/the AMA for malpractice.  (”Abandonment of affection” I think it’s called.)

Otherwise, Louise is no longer wearing the sling & she has already started working out the arm lightly.  So, enough w/the phone calls, texts & posts in her wall.  If she isn’t healed enough to be there for me, she certainly doesn’t have the strength or mobility to keep in touch w/all of you, alright?  I mean, come on.

More tips for getting the most out of walkies

It’s a great day for walkies, everybody! So take advantage of the nice weather today & take your human (or dog) on a nice long walk.
Pro Tip: After a 10-15 minute warm-up, ditch Nestle back at the house; she’ll only slow you down. That’s enough time for her to do what she needs to do and she can then return to her perch behind the window in front of the house.
Also, the leash is only a suggestion, much like the yellow light on a traffic signal. Really, you can go as far ahead as you like. Stretch its limits! And if you wanna double back, go right ahead. It will satisfy your walk requirements & keep your human on her toes, which is important. Matter of fact, if you and your human don’t feel some fatigue in your quadriceps during & after a walk, you’re not getting the most out of it. This is exercise, man! This is what Mayor Bloomberg has in mind with his many “No Fatties” edicts, so get up & move your bodies in the fresh air. It’s good for both you & your human. Trust me, in the long run, she’ll thank you.

Sharing stinks.

Sometimes, Thelma can’t leave well enough alone.  She was cutting a cantaloupe into cubes & I politely asked for a few.  So, to be fair (grr), she gave me one & another to Nestle, who sniffed it & turned up her nose.  But did Thelma give that piece to me?  Oh nooo, she cut it into even smaller pieces & gave Nestle a 2nd chance at it—and then she decided she liked it!  So now she likes cantaloupe, which means I’ll have to share cantaloupe w/her for the rest of my life.  It’s just not right.

Everybody into the pool!

I’m bummed out, you guys: Louise took the pool apart over the weekend.  She says it’s Fall now & no longer hot enough to swim.  Like that makes sense!  As long as the water’s not frozen, I’ll swim in it.  I hope next year we get an in-ground pool in the backyard w/a filter, stairs & a diving board so I can go swimming year-round.  Who’s with me?

It's been HOW long?!

Ten years ago today, Thelma & Louise picked me up in a TGI Friday’s parking lot somewhere in northern New Jersey, the last stop of a doggie relay that left from Webster, NY & brought me to my Forever Home.  It’s our 10th anniversary!!

Louise says I was a skinny, scared toddler when she picked me up--new to the city, startled by elevators & afraid of traffic noises & kneeling buses that go hissss.  I don’t think that’s entirely true, but this new place sure was louder than I was used to.  We’ve moved a few times since that very first day when I arrived on the Upper West Side, but my “home” is wherever my people are.

You can check on the link below to read more about my “arrival story” on Dogster.  (There’s a link to Nestle’s page there, too.)

This is even better than my birthday!  http://www.dogster.com/dogs/27326

My Tips for More Effective and Enjoyable Walkies

I love going on walkies, any time of day & any time of year.  Here’s how to get the most out of your time w/your beloved human or dog.

--First, if you hang around the spot in the house where the leashes & collars are kept and make a quizzical, expectant face, it will only help your chances of going outside.  Running between the human & the leash hook works well, too.

--To get the most out of your time outdoors, be sure to poop and poop often.  Don’t waste time; make the walk worth everyone’s while.  There's no such thing as too much poop.

--Walkies are terrific for humans as well.  Especially on days when they think they don’t want to go, a good walk can brighten their moods.  So ignore their protestations that it’s raining or too cold or they have a headache or leg cramps or a slipped disc or separated shoulder or hay fever or they're waiting for a phone call or kickoff is in 5 minutes—insist on going outside!  That’s when humans need fresh air & exercise most!  They might not thank you afterwards (or during the walk), but be assured that’s what they’re thinking.

--Get to know what’s going on in your neighborhood.  Take time to stop & sniff the other doggies.  Roll around in the grass (or snow).  Catch up on your “pee-mail.”  It’s *your* time and you should make the most of it.

Finally, don’t go on a walk w/Nestle.  She walks slowly, she has to sniff every single blade of grass and fallen leaf and doesn’t go 3 feet w/o marking.  It’s annoying for everyone, so leave her behind if you can.

Now, get out there and enjoy the day!

It's just not like her.

I gotta say this: someone has been very understanding & kind to me during my whole skunkcat ordeal, willing to get close to me & play w/me & not make fun of my unusual, *temporary* scent—and that’s Nestle. Louise is still going on & on about how I woke her at 3 a.m. to let me out & investigate the intruder * the ruckus in the backyard, and Thelma, while willing to hug & pet me, is still spraying “Air Detox” everywhere, lighting scented candles & leaving fans on & doors open to make the smell go away. I think Nestle notices I’m not getting the usual amount of snuggles from the humans & is being extra nice to me. It’s weird. But it’s not terrible, y’know?

I ama "persona non grata" -- in my own home!!

You guys, I am in exile—in my own home!  And it’s not even my fault!  Last night I was sleeping under the stars on my deck when I heard something fat & ugly rustling in the backyard.  So Louise agreed to wake up & let me outside & I went on the attack.  I take my guard duties very seriously & I am on-call 24 hours a day.  But what I didn’t expect was to see an ARMED, fat, skunk-striped cat cowering behind the bushes.  It Maced me, yo!  Seriously!  While I was blinded, it ran off & I staggered into the house.  Then Louise wouldn’t let me upstairs!  She & Thelma ran around mopping & wiping & yelling “I can’t believe it!!” & dousing me w/some liquid—and then they made me sleep on the patio all night!  I know!  I’m calling the ASPCA tomorrow--they really shouldn’t be off on holidays, considering that marauding cats don’t take days off from being a menace to the neighborhood—and reporting this vile creature.  In the meantime, however, I’m not allowed in the kitchen or the bedroom or upstairs or anywhere.  And I didn’t even DO anything!!!  (Anyway, this is what the cat looked like.  Don’t let the smile fool you!)

Snakes suck.

Everyone keeps leaving us.  Last week Louise went on a “business trip” and was gone for, like, 2 weeks.  The day before, our walker Mary Ann said she was going on “vacation,” but that was at least a month ago.   At least I can count on Thelma to stay home w/us.  She loves me too much to go back to an office job.  She assures me she’ll find work, but she’ll never again work in a “[very bad word] snake pit w/a bunch of vipers, back-stabbers and ugly people.  So many ugly people!!!”  I don’t blame her; I don’t like snakes either.

Maybe if they weren't so stingy with the grub...

I don’t understand why everyone’s so mad. Rather than feeling good about my interest in eating healthy foods, I get yelled at for taking the initiative in adding more vegetables to my diet. Does it really matter that I jumped up onto the counter to grab the tomato & the cucumber 2 days in a row while no one was looking? Aren’t tomatoes high in lycopene or something like that? What’s the problem? For crying out loud, it’s an antioxidant!

I get blamed for everything around here (Exhibit #481)

This morning, Uncle Chip stopped by & dropped off an extra futon he had lying around his house.  Of course Nestle immediately parked her butt on it & everyone said “Awww!” & took her picture.  (When I sat on it, no one noticed.)  But as soon as Louise saw 2 little tiny holes on the futon & a teeny tiny cut of some sort, she blames me for putting them there!  Then Thelma looks closer & says she sees what looks like a toenail drag mark near the (tiny!) cut.  No, I am NOT tearing up another one of “Nestle’s” beds.  (But it wouldn’t hurt if they covered it w/a full-sized contour sheet.  #JustSaying)

It's true what they say...

So on Thursday I was taken on a nice long walk under false pretenses.  Thelma & I walked right past the bagel shop & into the vet’s office, where I was led to the groomer’s chamber of horrors.  I was scrubbed, blow dried, shaved & plucked w/in an inch of my life.  Thelma & Louise cooed over me all weekend & said I smelled sooo good.  I smelled fine before the trip to the groomer’s--I had no trouble breathing!  And today Mary Ann Horrigan Schwarz gave me a post-walk treat that both T&L agreed made my breath smell decent--“for a change.”  I know!  I can’t help but feel insulted.

But I gotta admit: I look great and my fur is soapy-smelling, which people find pleasing.  And a fur cut makes my waist look much slimmer.  It really is true: you have to suffer to be beautiful.

It's a thankless job...

No one gets past me, ya hear?  No one.

Just trying to help a sister out...

I think Louise should get one of these floatation vests for Nestle.  It's so silly, she'd probably wear it!

We have other plans for you, young lady.

Ha!  Thelma *thought* she was going to walk to the mall to buy some of those fancy air diffuser oil things & a tube of that hard-to-find Kate Moss lipstick.  But Nestle & I ambushed her when she reached the bottom of the steps & we panted & ran in circles & hopped around to let her know we were so very eager to go OUT.  Never mind we were in the backyard only an hour ago—we wanted to take a WALK.  And now we are!  Persistence pays off, people!  (And cuteness.  Cuteness will take you so *very* far.)

Y'all jealous of my backyard pool?

This is me playing water polo.

Cowabungaaaaahhhh!

Happy first day of Summer, everyone!  It’s 93 degrees outside, so thank Dog I got to go swimming.  (Thanks, Mary Ann!)  Today I worked on the butterfly stroke & the cannonball.  Even Nestle waded into the water!  I’ve offered to teach her how to swim like an Olympian like me, but she said she doesn’t want to get her fur wet.  (Must be a girl thing.)  I think I’ll just toss her in next time.